It doesn't always work like I've planned it
I've seen a lot of good things, a lot of things been out of my hands
Even when I don't understand it
We have all got choices to make
And this one is mine
Even now, here's my heart God
Seems like all You do is so hidden
Sometimes I'm led to wonder are You working at all?
But even in the darkness I'm listening
For Your still small voice in the distance I hear You call
Even now here's my heart God
I'm in love
Runnin' out of reasons to doubt You
Can't live another day here without You
Even now here's my heart God
I'm in love
Your love is sweeter than honey
Your love is stronger than death
Your love lifts me of my burdens
And teaches me to dance
I left for a course last saturday. it was the first course of the season. i was so excited. this is what i had been preparing for. this is what i had been longing for all year. i was finally taking a group of students into a wilderness setting to MEET WITH GOD. the week before was filled with preparations. paperwork. throwing food. collecting gear. preparing evening devotionals. planning our route. reading topographic maps. building an itinerary. thinking of creative ways to teach these students about servant leadership and the kingdom of God. finally our beautiful students arrived and we were off to vedauwoo, wyoming. the first day was great. we taught our students how to safely climb and belay each other and headed off to climb. half way through the day while cheering on my girls it hit me. i noticed the initial dull pain in my head. i optimistically deemed the pain as a result of mild dehydration and started monitoring my water intake. i was hoping this would be the remedy. unfortunately a few hours later when we were hiking back to our campsite the pain in my head had only sharpened, deepened. nausea was surfacing. this was the last thing i wanted to happen. why now? why the first day of my first course of the summer? we gave the students some free time and i decided i would nap the headache off. surely that would do the trick. false. when i awoke for dinner my head hurt worse and the nausea was almost overwhelming. i sat with my cook group and started preparations for dinner. then the smell of the food hit me...and i booked it to the nearest tree. thus began my stomach's attempt to purge itself of everything i'd consumed for the past three years (too graphic?). Unfortunately the throwing up didn't stop. when it turned 12 am and i was still throwing up, my co-instructor made the executive decision that it was time to call SROM. by 2:20 am i had been evacuated from the field and driven back to laramie. that was it. a day into my trip and i was evacuated. when i woke the next morning my headache had subsided...so that was progress, but that couldn't take back the fact that i was pulled off the course. for two days i was filled with shame, guilt, and confusion. i was embarrassed to show my face to the other instructors. no one wants to be the instructor who gets pulled off course. i was angry i wasn't able to give the love of Jesus to my students. i felt guilty for not "finishing well". i was discouraged that i still had not been healed of my headaches. "Lord," i asked, "why?? why in your sovereignty and power and might did you let this happen? why did i get pulled off course? why can't i minister to the girls on my course? why havent you healed me??!!" my mind and heart felt the pull to be buried by these dark thoughts, but i fought for the faith to believe all this had occurred in his goodness towards me. i knew the thoughts of condemnation, guilt, and shame were not from Jesus. "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." - Romans 8:1. i still don't quite understand. but this song has given me great hope and confidence in Jesus. even when i don't understand it. even when things don't turn out like ive planned it. even when things fall apart. even when i am listening for His voice from the darkness. even when i am in pain. even when i am throwing up for hours. even when it seems like there is no hope for healing... even then. even now. we all have choices to make. this one is mine. here's my heart God.
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